Pull My Funnybone is severely offensive and dangerous. Reading Pull My Funnybone may cause an obsession with silkworms, anal leakage, mental confusion, cramps, lung flukes, dementia, genital warts, hairy tongue, paranoia, fatigue, blurry vision, skin tags, intense yeast infections, bot flies, pitting edema, diarrhea, constipation, pica, tree frog fixation, nausea, hallucinations, dry mouth, excessive salivation, nightmares, bunions, bed sores, uncontrollable twitching, goiter, and an immense hatred of this writer and therefore should not be read by anyone. Save yourself now and go look at pictures of cute puppies and kittens.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Twat Rot

Sorry gentlemen, but sometimes we ladies have issues.  Pussy issues to be precise.  Sometimes these issues are so extreme one might expect a flock of rabid bats to come flying out with foam coming out of their cute little mouths. 

Several months ago I needed to see my gynecologist because of "an issue."  My lady bits reeked like a dumpster filled with rotting fish heads in Chinatown on a hot, humid August afternoon.   But I didn't want to say that to my doctor. 

He began the appointment by sitting me down in his large, fancy office with a big window overlooking a park.  He asked me the usual set of questions.  Then I realized it was time.  Time to raise my concern.  I looked out the window at a child feeding a duck.  I focused on that pleasant scene and said as calmly as possible, "I've noticed some odor changes.  Is that normal at my age?"   I was just tipping my toe in the topic of "odor changes."  I tried to make it sound as neutral and professional as possible.   He replied, "How would you describe the odor?"  I paused.  "Does it smell like fish?"  A million descriptions went through my head.  I threw my head in my hands and put my head down on his desk.  Really.

The honest response was that it reeked like rotten vomit.  Imagine the rancid stench of an alley in downtown Boston at 4am on New Year's Eve.  That was my pussy.   

I actually wished it smelled like fish.  That would be a step up.  That seemed normal to me.  Some women's vaginas do have a fishy odor.  I would have welcomed saying, "It smells like a large mouthed bass." 

It turns out I had bacterial vaginosis (BV).  Which apparently is fairly common and results from an imbalance in flora in the nether reigions.  Because I am disgusted about my case of twat rot I am providing written proof that it is common.  Also, note that the odor is described as the purification of a cadaver.  So my pussy smelled like a rotting corpse.  Luckily the treatment was very simple.  Insert a cream into the vagina for seven days.

After meeting in his office we moved to another room for the exam.  With his hand deep inside my fleshy pink wallet he said, "Oh I forgot to ask, do you use birth control?  Wait, let me step back, are you sexually active?"  (I have not been in years).  I looked at him and said, "Put it this way doc, see this", then I waved my hand in a big circle then pointed to his hand, "I'm counting this as being sexually active. That's how long it's been." 

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Thursday, January 9, 2014

2014 is the year to cultivate your anxiety disorder(s)!! Here are my 20 Habits of Anxious People:

1. Meditate daily using the mantra "The world is a dangerous place."
2. Remind friends how dangerous the activities (showering, cooking, brushing their teeth) they engage in are.
3. Every time you leave the house ask yourself over and over, "Did I leave the stove on?"
4. Focus on the negative.
5. While driving repeat the sentence, "I hope I don't get into an accident."
6. The middle of the night is the perfect time to worry without the distractions of daily life to interrupt you.
7. Every morning start off with a list of things to worry about.
8. Watch the local, national and world news several times a day.
9. Remember that bad things happen to good people all the time.
10. Use stimulants such as caffeine to enhance your anxiety.
11. Remind yourself that just because you are in your house doesn't mean you are safe.
12. Every season offers you a new extreme weather danger to worry about. Take advantage.
13. Cancer is all the rage these days! Throw at least one cancer scare for you or a loved one into your morning worry list.
14. Stay away from positive thinkers and happy people.
15. Any time someone suggests a fun activity reply, "That's a fucking death trap."
16. At every meal worry that you may have just contracted food poisoning.
17. Set a goal of how many panic attacks you will have during the week then beat your goal!
18. Right before going to bed read up on the latest home invasions.
19. Tell yourself that the weird pain that you get sometimes that the doctors can't figure out is really a deadly disease.
20. Finally, cultivate a constant state of, "I just feel like something bad is going to happen."

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Sunday, November 17, 2013

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

When I'm bored I often go on Amazon and write reviews or post ads on Craigslist.  Here's my latest:

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
Price: $3.11

67 used & new from $0.01

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Gave Me My Life Back!
I have spent the last ten years of my life struggling to prepare various kinds of produce. The banana, in particular, was always a challenge. I could never make the slices the proper length or width. I labeled myself as "produce-preparer challenged." I tried to talk myself into believing that making precisely measured slices was something only surgeons and rocket scientists could do. But deep down, I knew I was fooling myself. And I became very depressed. After an unfortunate wrist wound resulting from an apple peeler (which friends saw as a gesture of deliberate self-harm) I embarked on a road of psychiatric hospitalizations, homelessness, prostitution and gout. One dark, rainy night I was sitting on a ragged blanket under an overpass. Someone drove by and yelled, "Slice it! Don't dice it! Bicheezzz!" then threw the banana slicer at me and it hit me in the head. That moment changed my life forever.

I'm sure it's made by the Swiss or perhaps in Germany. The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer offers the
world's best slicer of bananas with ease of use and reliability. I've had mine for two weeks and I've sliced over 310,9589,865,489,781,934 bananas! No carpal tunnel here!!! I've heard they use the same plastic for the International Space Station AND that NASA is studying the material for hovercrafts! That's Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Banana Style!

The only recommendation I would make is that you buy two because some bananas curve to the left. That way you have both angles covered. Also, it took me some time to discover that the banana must be peeled first. So keep that in mind!

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Saturday, September 21, 2013

A Photographic Journey of one Woman's Mission: To cut her own hair---while drunk---and in a hurry---and distracted by Facebook---and undermedicated--or perhaps over medicated.

I'm poor.  And being poor means I have a DIY "Do It Yourself" approach to many things that people often pay for like medical care, sex, medications and now... haircuts.

First, I polled my Facebook friends to see if any of them dared to cut their own hair.  Most urged against it.  However, I was determined to give it a shot.  (People who are mentally ill, like myself, have society's permission to do these things).  I studied copious amounts of information on the internet and, as we all know, if it's on the internet it has to be true.  

I figured since I do so many things much better while intoxicated: driving, child care, home surgery, difficult phone calls, singing, root canals, etc. I would need to be inebriated for my first self-haircut.  I also realized I work well under pressure so I waited until ten minutes before my friend was going to pick me up to head out for the evening.

Here is my before picture:

I decided my first step should be to practice so I cut and styled my dog's stuffed rabbit:

After I finished with the rabbit I was completely confident that I had mastered the art and science of cutting hair.  I would go up against Vidal Sasson himself if he hadn't recently crumped.   (My confidence may have also been influenced by the wine but I'd like to attribute it to pure mastery of skill).

When women go to the salon their stylist begins by "consulting" with them about what they want to do that day.  (Figured I'd 'splain it for my many male readers).  Just because I was doing my own hair cut I did not want to deprive myself of a consultation so I stood in the mirror talking to myself (which I do often anyway) and role played customer and stylist.

My consultation:

With freshly washed hair I went to work.  First I trimmed the length.  The videos said to part your hair down the middle and make two ponytails.  Move the elastics to where you want the length to be and cut either before or after the ponytail.

Then I added layers around my face by making another ponytail with only the hair from the front of my head and moving the elastic down and cutting.

I found continuing to drink really enhanced my fine motor skills.  I also found that staying distracted by taking a break every ten seconds to go on Facebook helped me surrender to the creative process.   I was under tremendous pressure to create a work of art as beautiful as Monet's Water Lilies.  Not only did I have a virtual Facebook audience demanding updates and pictures but I also had a physical audience: my cats who were wild with anticipation.

I finished the cut and dried my hair.  The entire process took fifteen minutes; five minutes to cut my hair and ten minutes to dry it.  It looks uneven in the photo below because I'm lifting my arm to take the picture.

Here are two pics of the results.  First one is styled with body. Second one is styled with a flat iron.

So no more salons for me!  This cut would have cost about $85.00 if I went to my last stylist.  Now all I need is a bottle of wine, some scissors, elastics and Led Zeppelin playing in the background.

If you want to cut your own hair start by getting "trained."  I found these videos very helpful http://youtu.be/Z4TaXZcB-lQ and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rhdo4DwDFKI.  I also found this article helpful http://feyeselftrim.livejournal.com/.  There is a hair clip you can buy which actually has a level indicator on it if you want to upgrade from using hair elastics to something more precise.  The woman in the second video uses one to give herself layers around her face. 

Next, gather your supplies:
1-2 bottles of wine (or any alcoholic beverage of your choice)
ponytail holders
hair clips
more wine

Now, go to work.  All the instructional videos say to start very conservative.  I discourage this.  I say, start liberally!  Chop away! Pretend you are possessed by Edward Scissorhands.  Keep drinking!  Then send me your photos so I can post them on this site and we can make fun of you.

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