One day I went out and bought some bird feeders. I set them up and waited for birds but no one came. It's always good to have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) when starting a project because you can constantly obsess about it then compulsively work on it (hopefully making it a success.)
|The Mexican Amphetamine Starhawk|
the new venue. I put an ad in Craigslist but all I got were freaky responses from sexual predators. (Mike, as soon as the nipple clamps arrive I'll email you.) Eventually, birds started showing up. But when you have OCD nothing is ever good enough. I obsessed about getting MORE birds and having BETTER birdseed. I wanted my feeders to achieve three Michelin stars.
I studied various cuisines so that my restaurant for birds would gain a wide variety of customers. I learned that birds eat mostly nuts and seeds. As someone who has several anxiety disorders this made me worry. How can I, as the Iron Chef of Birdseed, accommodate food allergies? What if one of these birds has a nut allergy? Nut allergies are so common these days the only nuts you can bring on a plane are ones with hair on them. I tried to see if they make very tiny Epi-pens but at this point they do not. I started petitioning various pharmaceutical companies to make minute Epi-pens but stopped when they threatened to press charges for harassment.
|The Cum Guzzling Gutter Slut|
The Arabian Barking Salad Tosser
However, I am not sitting around all day with my feet up coming up with new bird names.
The Sparrow Incident
My birds and I are still recovering from a tragic event that has led us on a healing journey. One day my feeders were pillaged by a herd of house sparrows which I have renamed Satan's Disciples. They descended upon my feeders in one giant strike. (This is true.) They viciously attacked all the other birds then proceeded to eat everything in all the bird feeders. It was like 9/11 all over again. I ran outside shouting, "This is a feeder of love! This is a feeder of light, love and unity!" But the damage had been done. Even the squirrels have been more respectful.
|Squirrel at the Crushed Peanut Bar|
When I get together with friends and they talk about their kids and their jobs, I talk about my birds and my feeders. I speak at great length about our daily struggles, successes and our path toward wholeness. If someone interrupts me to speak about something going on in their life I retort, "Oh yeah, when was the last time you did CPR on a Pink Bellied Pussy Pirate?!"
|Pink Bellied Pussy Pirate |
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