Pull My Funnybone is severely offensive and dangerous. Reading Pull My Funnybone may cause an obsession with silkworms, anal leakage, mental confusion, cramps, lung flukes, dementia, genital warts, hairy tongue, paranoia, fatigue, blurry vision, skin tags, intense yeast infections, bot flies, pitting edema, diarrhea, constipation, pica, tree frog fixation, nausea, hallucinations, dry mouth, excessive salivation, nightmares, bunions, bed sores, uncontrollable twitching, goiter, and an immense hatred of this writer and therefore should not be read by anyone. Save yourself now and go look at pictures of cute puppies and kittens.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Adventures with Pubic Hair
Everyone is at war with their pubic hair. Even my mother called me and asked if she should get a landing strip or hardwood floors. Puberty should be the last time a mother talks to her daughter about pubic hair.
I started my pubic hair jihad with waxing. I walked in to the salon looking like Zack Galafinakis was doing a stand up routine between my legs. The woman had me in so many positions I felt like I was trying out for Cirque du Soleil. I kept that woman pretty busy. She has carpal tunnel now.
If you leave a professional wax confused, kinda ashamed, looking all around, wondering if you were just violated, that means you got a good quality wax-----AND you’re now in Cirque du Soleil. So leave your perpetrator a big tip.
I then tried home waxing. Not as easy as you might think. My pussy ended up looking like a dog--with mange. Now my dog is afraid of my vagina.
I moved on to laser hair removal. The woman said to me was “Let’s see how you are wearing it now.” How am I wearing it now? Are we talking about a scarf?
Then she busts out her calculator and quickly begins punching numbers. "Ok we charge $10 dollars per square foot. You have about half an acre. Looks like we could give you your current style for $800.00.”
I can’t afford $800.00. I considered my options. I could get the Freddie Mercury. Maybe the Alexander Hamilton. Or the Justin Beiber. The Barak Obama is really popular right now. But the OJ Simpson’s on sale for $400.00.
But, in the end, I ponied up the $800 bucks and got the full Honey Boo Boo. Too bad my vagina still smells like a dumpster in Chinatown filled with rotting fish heads on a hot summer day.
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