I realized I had a problem when friends started making comments about my shitting. I believe alcoholics call this, "A moment of clarity." It started when I would go to a friend's house and they would casually point out where the bathroom was located. "So, Gwen, let's pass by the bathroom and go sit in the living room." This was particularly odd because the bathroom was on a different floor than the living room.
And when I leave I don't get, "Drive Safely!" or "It was so great to see you!" Instead I get, "Please don't shit on my front lawn." One time I happened to shit on the front lawn of a friend's house. Now I'm treated like I flew a plane through one of the twin towers. Perhaps my friend's over reaction had something to do with the fact that her dog then rolled in it and went happily running through her house. I thought dogs really loved peanut butter but man, they go wild over human waste.
(Just a tip for the ladies.)
I've fantasized about starting Shitter's Anonymous. "Hi, I'm Gwen and I'm a compulsive shitter." But then I realized another group equally as important would be left out: the pant-pissers.
I also piss my pants. Not regularly--but it has happened. In fact, you can see it live on my video Quattro Formaggi under the videos section. It's in the bloopers clips at the end.
A few years ago I was at a cook out. I was wearing a skirt. I went inside to get my purse in the living room. My friend made a joke and I doubled over with laughter--and proceeded to urinate all over the living room floor in front of a bunch of strangers. If my friends weren't so funny I wouldn't have this problem.
Eight years ago when I was picking out features for my car a friend
said, "What ever you do, make sure you get leather seats." "Because they are nicer than cloth, right?" I asked. "No, because when you piss yourself you don't have to worry about ruining your seats." (This
advice was from a friend who once pissed in her cat's litter box so she
didn't have to leave her bedroom to go to the bathroom.) At the time I thought her advice was useless and ridiculous. Little did I know taking her advice would pay off in the fecal department as well.Speaking of pissing my pants in the car, how come every time I get on a highway for a road trip my brain instantly sends an urgent signal to my bladder that I need to pee immediately? Even if I just pissed one minute before getting in the car? It's like my brain is tapped into some GPS where it can tell that the next rest stop isn't for another twenty miles. "Send her the signal NOW!!" My brain screams. Getting off at the next exit takes too much effort so I just keep driving. I'm seriously considering wearing adult diapers. I have this image of me looking calm, relaxed, my hair flowing in the breeze and pissing myself silly all the way across state lines.
And I wonder why my blog doesn't get me laid. I suppose it would be more disturbing if it did.
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Another hilarious post! How do you come up with this stuff???? I've often wondered how long it will be before I have to wear adult super-absorbent pants. While I do not yet pee myself during laughter, I almost always HAVE to pee, especially 2 minutes after doing it when I hit the road (yes, you are so correct--our bladders are GPS installed). I carry toilet paper and red Solo cups (NOT for beer drinking purposes) in the car at all times and have been known to pee in a moving car down the interstate (don't worry, I wasn't the driver). Only exotic place I ever pooped was in the Black Forest when we were there for a student tour. The bus stopped to let us out at night--scary shit pooping in the woods at night-- expected some half man/half beast from the X-Files to come after me. Now I just hold the poop until I get to safer ground.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog post--thanks for making me laugh and (almost) pee myself!
Wow! Thank you SO much! BTW I awarded you with an award as well under my awards tab! :-) Yeah, what is it about getting on the highway?! It's SO annoying! I SWEAR you JUST inspired me to start carrying red solo cups in my car. I happen to have some in my pantry. I always have kleenex in my car b/c I'm allergic to everything. I wonder if I could manage peeing while driving? Hmm I'll report back. Just writing this makes me have to pee. Thanks again for all of your support!!!
ReplyDeleteNever again will I tell you a joke when you're at my house. And from now on I'll only serve you vodka and tonics while you're already seated on the toilet.
ReplyDeleteGah, I know what you mean. I get the same thing when I go to bed at night. I always get ready for bed, brush my teeth, etc, and I'm fine the whole time, but when I lay down, the instant I get comfortable and drowsy, I have to piss. If I get up and piss, it wakes me back up and takes more time to fall back asleep, but if I don't, it never fails that when I wake up in the morning, I have to piss right NOW. There have been more mornings than I care to admit that my I-have-to-get-to-the-loo-immediately hobble just wasn't quite fast enough, and it never fails that I start to dribble in my fuzzy PJ's no more than 6 inches in front of the toilet.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing more pitiful than starting your day with urine-soaked fuzzy pajama pants sticking to your legs.