It recently was brought to my attention that there is a "movement" going on to stop using toilet paper and begin using home made reusable fabric called "Family Cloths." There are families, such as the Polivka Family, who not only use this system but have blogged about it. There are even "Family Cloths" available for purchase through Etsy. (The style below is an example).
|I actually love this pattern but I'm not sure I'd want to wipe my muddy balloon knot with it. |
I immediately sent them this email:
I was asking friends on Facebook about resources to shave my pits, clit and legs (nothing rhymes with legs, maybe eggs) and starfish. My friends who are customers recommended your site. I'm so excited I creamed my jeans. I LOVED your video. It made me horny. Anyway, why don't you start your own, "Pussy Galore line." Or Pussy Approved. My pink velvet wallet and I would be happy to help with your investigative studies. I hope your blades can handle my everglades.
Sister Mary Margaret
Just kidding---non-clergy, new customer
After receiving my first shipment of products, my love immediately progressed into something some might call "inappropriate" as demonstrated by this second email:
I won't keep harassing you with emails. (Do you get like... shaving
stalkers??) But, used the razor and shave butter I received in my first shipment and fucking LOVE them. I'm so glad I joined. AND as a bonus, I was feeling really depressed
today----and you know what cheered me up----watching those fucking
hilarious videos. So, what is Dollar Shave Club to me? It's an awesome
shaving supply store AND an amazing antidepressant (better than all the
pills flowing out of my medicine cabinet....well, better than some of them
at least. Others are REALLY good.)
I must say, I am disappointed that the One Wipe Charlies
are labeled as Gentleman Use Wipes. (Although you are a men's shaving club
so I understand). But put me up against any guy, any guy! and we'll have a
fecal throw down old school style on who launches the best mud monkey.
Maybe it's the feminist shitter in me. But I am confident I can unleash a
chocolate dragon right up there with the best of them. In fact, I'd be
happy to send your CEO a sample as proof!! (Just kidding....unless he's
into that sort of thing and is single. He's kinda hot).
I have since used the "One Wipe Charlies" and have been very impressed. Just reading the label should convince any doubting Thomas of their supernatural cleansing powers.
|Please pardon this image interrupting links to the right -->|
I have to say, I have been extremely impressed with the quality and price of their products. Again, I have never used this blog to promote products and am not receiving any form of compensation but I love this company and their products and their toleration of my emails. They have yet to sent me a "Cease and Desist letter" or issue a restraining order. For me, that's progress.
Now, back to the "Family Cloths." I have outlined throughout this blog my many major psychiatric disorders including fears about things being contaminated. My first problem with reusable ass wipes is fecal material in the washing machine. I would need a gallon of bleach per wash cycle and would need to do at least three wash cycles plus a heat cycle that would rival Satan's flames of hell. And, despite those efforts I would still be terrified that all my clothes, towels, sheets, etc. were infested with feces. So, I don't believe it would be more environmentally conscious for someone like to me use the "Family Cloth" method.
However, being a painter and photographer, the artist in me feels drawn to the idea of designing cloths for families who would use this system. I looked at the pattern examples on line and felt they were lacking. They were pretty, like precious Amish quilts. I felt there needed to be something more...well, expressive. These are some ideas for my family cloth designs:
- A repeating image of Mr. Hanky
- The Led Zeppelin symbols and lyrics to The Immigrant Song
- Repeated pattern of a picture of Osama Bin Laden
- Repeated pattern of a picture of the Boston marathon bombers
- 100 dollar bills
- Lyrics to "Car Wash" and "Endless Love"
- The opening text from Star Wars
- A giant, never ending shit streak
- Robert Plant's lyrics to "The Big Log"
- Pictures of people I hate: Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, family members, etc.
- Hitler (and perhaps the challenge would be to make his mustache)
- An image from the movie I want to make: SHARTNADO
- "Centuries of Sphincters" an artist's rendition of the sphincters belonging to important figures of world history
- The Declaration of Independence in its entirety followed by an artist's rendition of the sphincters belonging to each signer along with their name.
And of course I am going to design sets that will celebrate the holidays. For example, for Christmas you can wipe your ass on the precious baby Jesus lying in a manger. What about Easter you ask? Well, of course you can cleanse your brown eye right on Christ hanging on the cross. I thought about including other spiritual themes: maybe Mother Teresa, Ghandi or Buddha but for some reason Jesus seemed much more offensive.
I approached friends on what they thought I should work on for my "Family Cloth" patterns. One friend suggested a heaping plate of spaghetti and meatballs. I liked that. Then she suggested different breeds of roosters (referring to my video "Cock Talk"). I also thought a series on famous works of art could be quite popular. Who wouldn't want to wipe their ass on, say, The Mona Lisa?
I then considered the Great American Value of "multi-tasking." What if you could combine shitting with some other important task? Perhaps wiping could be combined with taking assessments such as an eye exam, the WAIS (Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale), The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), or for the really adventurous, the Rorschach test. Husband calls from bathroom: "Honey, will you call the eye doctor and set up an appointment for me? During my shit, shower, shave routine I could only read up to line four."
|Classic Rorschach Test Card|
In addition to having ready made bundles of cloths, I will also be available for hire to create personalized family cloth bundles. For example, I could collect important family dates and my cloths could serve as reminders. "Oh thank God I had that burrito grande. I never would have remembered Tyler's birthday on Tuesday." "Oh shit, next season of Downton Abbey starts next week!" "Wow, time to renew my Prozac already? Thank God I had that chili dog to remind me." "This was such a great picture of Walter before he died," wipe, "I'll go to the cemetery tomorrow and bring him some flowers."
As a pet lover I ask, "Why should we limit this movement to just humans?" How about bringing it into the dog park? I will call it: "Embrace Feces of all Species." How cute would cloth bags with patterns of dog bones or squirrels be?
What would you prefer? Using a family cloth or something along the lines of a One Wipe Charlie? To help me decide where I stand on achieving a sparkling starfish I thought back to The Palak Paneer Panties Incident.
It happened last February. I had a couple visiting with me for the weekend. I was on antibiotics for a sinus infection which can cause gastro-intestinal distress in some individuals. Both Friday and Saturday nights we ordered take out, Indian. Spicy Indian to be precise.
It was Sunday, a little after noon. We were gearing up to go somewhere for brunch. Amy went in to use the bathroom. Her husband Alex turned to me, "In thirty seconds she is going to call for my help because she clogged the toilet." I laughed thinking he was kidding. Thirty seconds later, "Alex, can you come help me?" He gets up, shows me the calluses on his palms, his own personal stigmata, and walks into the bathroom.
While sitting on the couch I had the impulse to fart so, as anyone would do, I pushed. To my surprise it was not air. It was lava. I jumped up and started laughing. Gravity and the muscular contractions involved in laughing made my predicament much worse. I kept clenching but as soon as I would laugh or move a mudslide would occur. I ran to the bathroom and burst the door open. Alex was furiously plunging as if he was trying to bail out the titanic. Amy was barking orders at him. "Keep the plunger at a perpendicular angle to the floor." "Use harder, faster strokes." "Hurry up!"
I arrived at the bathroom door gesturing wildly. I could not speak. Amy deciphered my interpretive dance as me finding their situation hilarious. I did think it was funny, however, there was an urgent issue at hand. The dribble of my chocolate Fribble was becoming a flash flood emergency. I began gesturing for them to leave. I was trying my best to clench and gesture. Clench and gesture. Amy, aware of my germaphobia, especially with fecal material, said, "Let me Clorox wipe the seat." In a strained whisper I croaked, "No time." I sat down on the toilet with both of them next to me and proceeded to spurt into the bowl like a mini Old Faithful. Amy and Alex inspected my underwear which was between my knees. "Looks like a bowl of chili." Amy commented. "Nah, that's a diaper of Indian food." Alex replied.
In that most important moment, had I been given the choice for wiping, what would I have chosen? When you spill a slippery mound of refried beans on your kitchen counter do you want to use a dry, non-absorbent cloth? (I'm envisioning a polyester restaurant napkin). Or do you want to use something wet and absorbent like a Clorox wipe? Hands down I would have chosen my One Wipe Charlies.
So, yes, perhaps there are families well suited for the "Family Cloth" system. However, to tame my chocolate dragons I prefer my "One Wipe Charlies."
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